The Bloodhound-Kids can kill

This is my first attempt at writing Thriller. Although I do not expect this story to give you sleepless nights, but nevertheless it will surely send shivers down your spine.

There was a young couple living in Nottingham. They had a 2 year old son, a very playful and a cheerful kid. One night the couple had to leave for a party which was in London, and so they left the kid behind. There was a young maid to take care of the kid while the parents were away in London.There was also a 6 foot bloodhound, named "Bloody" to handle any undesirable circumstances and ensure safety. The couple left Nottingham peacefully, as they believed that their child was safe.

After the couple left the child fell fast asleep. Bloody was resting under the bed,awake, his razor sharp teeth were glistening in the darkness of the night. Seeing the child fast asleep, the maid dozed off peacefully. When she woke up in the morning she found that the bed was wet and blood was smeared all over. The child was missing. She panicked and searched the blood room but he was nowhere to be found. Under the bed, she found the headless body of "Bloody" which was lying in a pool of blood. Then the door knocked, breaking the silence of the place. With trembling hands, she opened the door, and found the child with the dog's head in its hand. He was laughing in ecstacy and pointed towards a wall where these words were written in blood; "Kids can kill"

Train Train

The local train is the lifeline of Mumbai. To survive in Maximum City, you have to include the local trains as an essential part of your life. Suketu Mehta calls Mumbai a "Vadapav Eater's city." It is the lunch of the chawl dwellers, the cart pullers, the urchins, the clerks, the cops, the gangsters and the whores. It is also a "Train Commuters city." It is the mode of transport for one and all.The local trains teach you a number of lessons in life and also the art of survival.

Travelling in a Mumbai local train not only requires great deal of physical strength and endurance, but more importantly it requires mental presence and application. For example, a train starting from Wadala is likely to be less crowded than a train starting from CST if you want to board it from Kurla. Whether to catch a slow local or a fast local. One needs to work out his grey cells to travel comfortably and in the shortest possible time. The bible for survival in here is the Rs 10/- local train pocket guide.

A peek through the windows gives you a glimpse of the extreme diversity that exists in this great metropolitan. Crossing Wadala Station, you can see the chawls on one side whereas a distant glance will let you see Antop Hill, where John Abraham lives.A local compartment is also a moving stock market. Eavesdropping into the discussions will give you such an information overload on stocks that you wont require any financial advisor.One learns with experience, and one thing which I have learnt through experience is to never board a Virar Fast if you want to get down at Andheri or Borivali.Experience has also taught that inside a compartment if you smell the sweat of Old Spice, you are in a first class compartment otherwise you are in a 2nd class.

The local compartment is also the place where people carry out their daily chores like cutting vegetables, chanting their daily prayers, and even shopping. Where else would you find a dvd seller selling movies, carrying a dvd player and playing it in front of you so that you are satisfied with its quality? It is also the place where one meets old friends, although spotting your friend amidst the huge crowds is like finding a needle in a haystack. One can explain almost anything by forming analogies with a local train. For example, "An elevator in a high rise is like a slow local, it stops at every damn floor." For the last two months, trains had become an essential part of my life. I almost saw the sunrise and the sunset from the trains. I missed something had I not boarded the train someday, and gradually I got so used to the crowds that I often found it difficult to board an empty compartment.I could hear the rumbling on the tracks even while I was asleep.Trains are indispensable. What if you stay at Ambarnath and your girlfriend calls you for a date in Nariman Point. Train is the only answer, or else the taxi fare will haunt you for the rest of the month. So to conclude,

"You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape the train"

A smiley encounter

Although it takes only 14 muscles to smile, it requires more than 14 million grey cells to decipher what meaning the smile conveys. Especially if you are at the receiving end of a smile from someone of the fairer sex.

This happened a few years ago at Kolkata Airport, when I was about to leave for Chennai. Though this incident also stands testimony to my poor skills in English language, I would like to assure the readers that my English has improved considerably since then. After the luggage check-in formalities, when I went to the Spice Jet counter to collect my boarding pass, I saw a stunningly beautiful ground staff seated who was handing over the boarding passes to the travellers. No wonder why the airlines was named Spice Jet. Being an ardent fan of the window seat which gives me an areal view of the spectacular City of Joy, I asked her if a window seat was available. She replied, with a smile on her face, 'Sorry sir, no window seat is available'. I replied, Ok, 'I would prefer an AISLE seat. Unknowingly, I pronounced it as "AIZEL". She smiled back, saying Ok sir. This smile was wider and prettier than the previous one. I was spellbound by the beauty of her smile which transported me into a world of trance. I began wondering whether the smile was really an admiration of the charm and charisma which I carried with myself.

Inside the aircraft, I asked the airhostess, where is 16D? She replied, again with a smile, "Go straight sir, its on the AISLE." (She pronounced it as it should be A-I-L, and not as AIZEL). Never having heard such a word before, I asked her again, and again she said, its on the A-I-L sir. I was really stunned, and realized what a fool I had been. I felt as if I was at the epicenter of a huge earthquake. Now I realized what those pretty smiles meant. As I sat on my AISLE seat, I could'nt think of anything else apart from the embarassment which had befallen me. Since, then I had decided never to sit on an AISLE seat. A middle seat would be a preferable option incase the window seats were occupied.

Managing this disaster

On the eve of "Disaster Management" exam, as I was browsing through the monotonous and slumber provoking slides containing a list of do's and dont's in case of events like floods,fire,earthquake etc, my eyes got transfixed on this object that you can see here. For a few minutes, the sight of this object transported me into a world of trance and made me forget whatever disaster was being addressed to in the slides.

All of you must be in bewilderment, wondering what this object is which enthralled me; It's nothing but my favourite half-pant which I bought from Marina Beach in Chennai. While shopping near Marina Beach, I casually picked it up from the footpath, as I wanted to add some more freakish collections to my already ridiculous wardrobe (I am fortunate enough not to have suffered a Wardrobe Malfunction inspite of having such collections). As you can see this pair of "Zoo-logical" shorts depicts 4 animals : Monkeys,Giraffes,Elephants and Leopards roaming in a world of their own. This pair of shorts is not only testimonial to my bizarre dressing sense, but also the butt of jokes and a free laughter dose for all my dear friends in my hostel.

But you might be wondering whether I am really that crazy enough to write such atrocious stuff, on the eve of an exam, and what kind of disaster can we manage by looking at this silly piece of cloth. What can be a greater disaster than a world deprived of such beautiful species? As the print of the animals are also gradually fading away from my shorts, I am reminded of these beautiful creatures also disappearing away into eternity. The world shall be a better place once we start managing this disaster effectively. This would pave the way for a Utopia, where monkeys,giraffes,elephants, leopards can run through the jungle careless and free,with the wind in their hair and the sand at their feet. I can't help but quote Savage Garden now:
"Compassion in the jungle, Compassion in your hands,
Would you like to make a run for it, Would you like to take my hand?"

CWG or CWP ???

Most of us know what CWG stands for. For those who don't, CWG stands for Commonwealth Games. The Commonwealth Games to be held in Delhi soon, has been one of the most widely discussed and controversial topics. Ranging from the Kalmadi scam, to the poor infrastructure, to the security concerns, the CWG has seen it all.


But no one knows what CWP stands for. So I have no other alternative but to expand the abbreviation. It stands for "CORN WITH PAWN". This is the latest chat show in our college which by dint of its unique concept,charisma,enigma and expect-the-unexpected can give shows like "Koffee with Karan" and "Rendezvous with Simi Garewal" a run for their money. The host of the show is our dear friend,the enigmatic "Pawn", who loves eating Corn and hence the name of the show. And the Director of the show is none other than yours truly. Now let us have a look at the probable reasons (with a high confidence interval) as to why CWP will score over CWG.Inspired by my dear friend and co-writer Akshay, the theme of whose blogs is the lucky number seven, I have thought of putting forward seven reasons why CWP will score over CWG:-

1. There would be a wide variety of celebrities for the show, who will ensure non-stop fun and entertainment. Some of them are Nagraj, Chomu, Tiger-Killer, Bombay Man, Q-Man, Drogba,Crammer and Ishan Awasthy.
2. The probability of corruption and under the table kalmadiesque dealings are negligible.
3. The image of the nation is not at stake.
4. No security concerns will be expressed by the celebrities.Their only fear is of getting clean bowled by Pawn's qustions, unless Q-Man himself takes the responsibility of asking questions.
5. The celebrities do not have to undergo any drug or substance abuse test,fail in them and bring ignomity upon themselves. They will be treated to a healthy platter consisting of only Corn, served by none other than Pawn.
6. No threat of rains, overflowing of rivers and subsequent fear of dengue or other diseases.
7. No chance of the stage or set falling apart and subsequent injury to workers.

In view of these it may be concluded that.........................(left for the readers!!)

Repair almost nothing

On the eve of Independence Day, the tube-light of my room was not working. Whether the problem was minor or major, I simply had no clue. So,in despair I switched on the normal 15 watt lamp and stood in front of the mirror, which reflected a "Tube-Light", who cannot fix a simple tube-light, inspite of being armed with an Electrical Engineering Degree . This fact took me down memory lane to the summer of 2004, the day of the Joint Entrance Examination counselling when I had to make a decision whether to take up Electrical or Mechanical Engineering as a career option.

Finally the choice was made after a lot of dilly dally- Electrical Engineering, abbreviated as EE (one of the expanded versions of EE is "Employment Exchange", courtesy Dr Mainak Sengupta). One of the reasons which transformed the indecision into a decision was the aversion and abhorrence to 4 years of drawing which a student has to do in the course of Mechanical Engineering, which no doubt is considered as 'The Boss Department.' There were rumours stating that a Mechanical Engineering student having a perfect 6/6 vision in the first semester ended up with myopia, hypermetropia, retinoschysis and what not at the time of completing graduation!!!! However, the scarcity of girls in Mechanical Engineering Department was perhaps the coup de grace which tipped the scales in favour of Electrical Engineering. Little did I know of the high voltage shocks that were awaiting me in the next four years.

Electrical Engineering was considered as a versatile department, which offered the flexibility of choosing a plethora of career options, though to the young and innocent mind simply being good in the Electrostatics and Electricity section of Higher Secondary Physics (which had nothing else apart from Ohm’s Law and Faraday’s Laws), meant a bright prospect as an Electrical Engineer . But I fail to decipher why the common people still consider Electrical Engineering to be associated with the task of fixing bulbs and switches. Once I proudly say ‘I am an Electrical Engineer’, pat comes the reply, ‘Oh please fix my tube light. My fan is not revolving etc etc. Please Help!’

At the end of four years, after being confined in an educational system which emphasised mainly on cramming some formulae and pages of theory instead of focusing on the practical and industrial aspects, I realised the truth that an Electrician is much more knowledgeable than a qualified Electrical Engineer merely because of his acclimatization to practical situations and problems. Hence even now as a proud Electrical Engineer, when I am unable to sort out any minor Electrical issue like fixing a tube light or, I never hesitate in calling up the Electrician because doing that myself is a chimerical proposition.I couldn’t simply care less for the comments from the neighbourhood aunties who said, ‘Oh, I thought you had an Electrical Engineer at home.’ Blame it on me or blame it on the system, this in fact is the stark reality and it still remains unchanged. Even without a degree, and inspite of suffering from Asperger's Syndrome, Rizwan Khan could proudly say "I repair almost anything". But I can proudly say that, "I repair almost nothing...!!!!" :) . Happy Independence Day.

Inceptional theory of Marketing

Dear readers, please do not judge by the lucency of title and assume the following piece of writing to be some hi-funda theory straight out of a journal or a research paper or something that Philip Kotler is about to include in the upcoming edition of his book. What you are about to read is nothing but unadulterated nonsense arising out of a blitzkrieg i.e. a sudden rush of madness.This is because I, equipped with almost zero knowledge of Marketing, I have boldly risked to venture into unchartered territory by trying to form some idiosyncratic opinions and ideas, which would really shock Prof Deepa Sahasrabuddhe.

A few days ago I had gone to see the latest Hollywood flick Inception just to have a glimpse of what the hype is all about. But I was exhausted and enervated after yet another very normal day in a B-Schooler's life- one presentation, two assignments and a ''God'' level viva examination. The ambiance inside the multiplex provided to be ideal for sleep, but the only slumber slayer (apart from the usual endless list of professors) surprisingly was the movie. After 150 minutes of battle between my dreams and the sound from the Dolby digital speakers,all that my subconscious mind could register was a few words- Totem, Dreamer, Limbo, Kick etc.

The very next day I read an interesting news related to a battle between two marketing giants- P&G and HUL, with the latter spoiling the former's mega plan. P&G, planning to unveil its new 'Pantene' shampoo, put up hoardings all around Mumbai which read ' a mystery shampoo better than anything else is about to come.' But HUL ambushed the mystery with their hoardings which read 'there is no mystery, Dove is the No.1 shampoo.' As a result of this top executives of P&G went cribbing about this and started accusing HUL of spying, adopting unethical means etc. But they failed to understand the fact that they were 'Inceptionalized'.

P&G were the ''Dreamers'' and in their minds arose the idea of promoting a mystery shampoo supposed to be better than anything else. This dream was constructed in the mind of the Dreamer by the ''Architects'' ,who were their marketing strategists. After creation of this dream, they went inside a ''Limbo'' (a place where dreamers end up if they dream too deeply), as a result of which they believed that no one would be able to steal their dreams. But HUL had Mr Cobb with them, who, armed with his ''Totem'' , (which is an object constructed to invade a dream) provided P&G with the ultimate ''Kick.'' This kick woke up the dreamer and returned it back to reality. Thus, they were ''Cobbed'' (read as robbed) of their Dreams. This in short, explains the ''Inceptional Theory of Marketing.'' Keep the top spinning or else risk getting Inceptionalized.

Caught by the bird

Since childhood, we have always been advised by our parents and elders to rise early in order to gear up for the challenges and activities that are lined up for the rest of the day. Obviously the proverb used for this piece of advice is ''The early bird catches the worm''.

The proverb can also be rephrased as an anti-proverb : ''The early worm gets caught by the bird''.

Whether we accept the proverb or the anti-proverb depends on whether we visualize ourselves as the bird or the worm. If we visualize ourselves as a bird, then the interpretation is quite obvious. On the other hand if we visualize ourselves as the worm and go by the anti-proverb, it makes us feel quite lazy and insecure; as if we are not really prepared for confronting our adversaries. But that really doesn't mean one has to feel weak or inferior in visualizing oneself as a worm and stay hidden in a cocoon. The motivation of the early worm to rise early is to avoid getting caught by the bird. That is because if the worm wakes up late, it can't prevent the inevitable from happening- it will eventually end up getting caught by the bird . Another cardinal sin for the worm is to assume that the bird will also not rise early- this is a sure shot recipe for disaster.

A very common example to elucidate this bird and worm syndrome is our college life. Obviously the worm refers to the students and the bird (eagle to be precise) refers to the professors. This proverbial bird always has the habit of rising early to conduct lectures and the proverbial worm always has the habit of doing exactly the opposite and consequently ends up missing the lectures. Hence, it faces severe reprimands and threats like not being eligible for semester exams and placements due to attendance shortage, term not granted etc. The end results are catastrophic. So its always better (though difficult) to wake up early. In that event the early worm will not get caught by the bird. This will negate not only the proverb but also the anti-proverb.